The last year has been one of the hardest. Well I guess the last nine months.. but it seems like a year! The pregnancy with the twins was completely opposite of my pregnancy with Knox. With Knox, I didn’t even feel pregnant.. There was just a gradual growing basketball inside my tummy. I didn’t get nauseous. I didn’t crave crazy foods. I didn’t even have to pee very often. It was a dream pregnancy.. I know.. and I thought wow I’m going to have a million kids if it really is this easy.
Then I got pregnant with the twins. I cannot even begin to explain what it was like to go through this pregnancy. I honestly am starting to get nauseous just writing this, remembering what it was like. It was nine months of pure torture. Every morning I woke up I was counting down the hours until I could go back to sleep just so I could turn off the pain. I probably threw up 30 times a day. Any time I moved I would start gagging. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t drink. And so obviously when I got severely dehydrated I started having to get IV’s to get the nutrients my body needed to stay alive. I could feel my heart beat struggling with every pulse. My eyes were so heavy that it took all of my energy to open them back up after every blink.
Now… on top of that.. I had to take care of my two year old son. The guilt I felt during that time completely consumed me. I was in no way able to be the Mom that I wanted to be. After Ryan would leave for work, I would hand Knox a box of cereal, turn on the TV, and then spend the rest of the day laying on the bathroom floor counting down the hours until Ryan got home. Then I would try to get in bed and force myself to sleep.
I am so glad that Is over! As my pregnancy went on, my sickness started to ease up. But every day the sick part started getting better, my body started breaking down. The stretching, the heaviness, the pressure, of carrying two babies was so unbelievably taxing on my body. Every thing ached. And then my ribs started cracking. CRACKING! I didn’t even know that could happen because of a pregnancy! And I held those babies in for a full term pregnancy! At the time I was dying to get them out.. but I am SO grateful that somehow my body was able to cook them for a whole 39 weeks.
For those of you that know me, you are very aware at how much of a hippie at heart I am. I love oils. I like treating things holistically. And I LOVED my natural birth with Knox. I was planning and hoping that I would be able to have the same experience this time around. During the whole pregnancy everything looked like I would be able to have an unmedicated natural birth. The boys were both head down. They’re were both measuring perfectly. There was no cause for concern. Then my darling baby boy B flipped breach. I almost started crying during that ultra sound because that was the moment everything changed. My “birth plan” had to have a plan B.. and C.. and then a plan D. I did everything I could to try and flip that little bugger but he was happy right where he was and wasn’t moving for nothing!
At 39 weeks. My midwife and doctor told me I needed to be induced. That keeping the babies in any longer was putting everyone more at risk. So on April 29th at 7 am I went the the Jordan Valley Hospital where they broke my water. This was hard for me to do. I wanted so badly to go into labor on my own. My body is good at labor. And It goes super fast. And doing this was scary because I had no idea how my body would handle it. Well.. It definitely put my into labor.. but it was slow. I knew that I was going to have to get an epidural because the last time I talked to my doctors they told me it was the best option because of that breech baby. If something were to go wrong I would be put under if I didn’t have an epidural. And things could go wrong really fast.
So.. every hour the nurses would come in and ask if we could start the epidural. I actually like the feeling of labor. It hurts like so unbelievably bad but there is something about it that makes me feel so empowered. Every contraction gets stronger but I feel myself getting stronger and being able to overcome that intense pain feels so rewarding. I put off the epidural for as long as they would let me. And when I was dilated to 7+ they told me that there was no more waiting. I finally gave in and let them stick that massive needle in my back. That experience was for sure the worst part for me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a baby or if I was being dramatic or if it was because of my insane fear of needles.. but I was screaming at the top of my lungs as they dug that thing deep into my back. I could feel the needle popping through each layer of my body.. ugh it makes me sick even thinking about it. But then it was done and from there it was a waiting game. I just laid there for hours.
Finally at 5:00 pm the babies were ready to make their debut. I was rolled into the operating room. I’ve never been so scared in my life. My whole body was shaking. My voice was shaking. And tears wouldn’t stop pouring from my eyes because of how absolutely terrified I was. I felt like I was in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy… on my death bed.. ready to hand my life (and my babies lives) into the doctors hands. All while Adele was blaring in the background. There was an audience of people.. gloved hands in the air.. surgical masks on.. with the funky looking hats on their heads. How was I not suppose to be frozen with fear.
I only had to push through two contractions and my baby boy Ace was here. He let out one big scream and then quietly looked around the room wide eyed. He is SO aware. He will stare and study your face for hours. That’s how he was from day one. They immediately placed him on my chest and all those horrible months of torture were suddenly worth it. Ryan cut the cord, which exploded blood all over his face hahaha and gave me a good laugh and a second to put all my fears on the back burner.
A few minutes later I started pushing again. This was the scary part because this was my breech boy. They tried to turn him but once again, he was happy the way he was. So a breech birth was what was going to happen. This time I had to push through four contractions and my little Rad man was born. But I didn’t hear a scream this time. It was completely silent. That’s when I saw them lift up my completely blue baby with the umbilical cord wrapped twice around his neck. Ryan and I were both in shock. Just staring at this silent blue baby in disbelief thinking “this is not real.. I just delivered a dead baby.” It was the scariest, most terrifying 3 minutes of my life. Then finally a scream. I’ve never heard a more beautiful scream in my life. I was handed both babies and I completely lost it. I felt like the grinch where his heart grows two times the size! Literally it was bursting out of my chest.
Then we brought Knox in to meet his baby brothers. He was a natural from the second he saw them. He kept kissing them and wanting to hold them. It couldn’t have gone any better. I was so worried my whole pregnancy how Knox would handle it.. How I would be able to love three boys equally and divide my attention three ways. It’s crazy how it all just falls into place. There is so much love to go around at our house.
The recovery from the birth has been hard. Definitely not like it was with Knox. I’m still struggling with the changes my body is going through. But I am so grateful for a body that gave me my three boys. I have the scars to show for it and one day I will love each and every mark that was left. I am so happy to have my not so little family of 5.
PHOTOGRAPHY: Lindsey Lu Creations