I’ve been thinking about this post since the day the twins were borns. That’s 18 months to be exact. I’ve spent countless hours thinking and writing and re-writing what exactly I wanted to say. I’ve put together posts only to find myself pushing delete over and over again. I just could never find the strength to let myself be so vulnerable and let down my walls. And even more so I couldn’t accept my own words. I knew one day I wanted to be able to share this with you all but I couldn’t do it until I was able to stand in front of the mirror and completely love myself first.
So 18 months later I am here not only standing in front of my own mirror but standing in front of you.. letting myself be oh so vulnerable.. Putting down my guard and not hiding behind any walls.. or baggy shirts in my case! It took me 18 looong months to learn how to love and except the body that is mine. To be confident with the stretches and the curves that make up a huge part of me. To appreciate the folds and the creases that once weren’t there. THIS IS ME.
After I had the twins I knew my body would never be the same. I stretched in so many different ways and it was very obvious that it was to the point of no return. I was so happy to be able to carry my boys 39 week and cook them nice and healthy.. but it came with some physical consequences for me. The broken ribs weren’t even the worst part. Actually, I could hardly feel them after I delivered. But my herniated belly button and completely separated abs made everything inside feel mixed up and internally I felt off. My stomach was over here.. a lung over there.. my spine felt like jello.. and the place where my ab muscles use to be was just a plain of stretched out skin. I felt ruined. I tried to be patient with my body because post baby bodies always take some time to get back to normal.. but I found myself disappointed month after month when things just weren’t going back. I felt like I had to hide my stomach from the world to not only spare myself the embarrassment but to spare the eyes of everyone around me. I was so ashamed of this body. I used the words ugly and gross and broken to describe what was under my shirt. And I hid my actual pain of this with light hearted jokes to try and hide the actual sadness I was feeling about it. My body had changed and I didn’t even recognize it anymore.
I knew I was being vain and putting all my self love in a basket of self pity. But I just couldn’t get myself out of this rut.
It wasn’t until one day I was working out at home. I was wearing a sports bra and leggings and when I had finished, I laid down on the floor to catch my breath. My little Knox bounced his way over to me and laid his head on my stomach. He started rubbing his hand over my marked up tummy and said, “Are these from the babies?” I told him yes and he replied, “Oh I just love them.” Thinking he was talking about his brothers I said I love the babies too. And he said, “No, Mommy I love THESE!” as he pointed to the stretch marks that covered my stomach. My world stopped for a complete minute. My eyes filled up with tears and for the first time I said.. I love them too.
I don’t know how but that little boy somehow flipped a switch in my mind. It’s like I was seeing in black and white and suddenly I was seeing color for the first time. If he could love every ounce of me perfectly, then why couldn’t I? I began to see through his eyes and I was suddenly grateful for this body that I had been so mean to. The body I called ruined and hid away and was ashamed of. Why was I so mean??
This body of mine is so freaking strong. It created three human lives. It carried twins. It breaths for me and gives me life. It’s fast and powerful and works so hard for me everyday. I LOVE this body. Not only is my body strong.. It is beautiful. It proudly shows the marks and the scars it took to grow those babies. It’s honored to bare the folds and the creases that created life. That gave me my boys. I am so grateful for my body and for every single change.
I try everyday to remember how incredible this body is and thank it if for all it does. Watching my kids love me for me and trying to see myself through their eyes has brought me so much joy and so much confidence.
My body has forever changed. It has grown in a million and one ways. It has made me stronger. And now, because of my body, I am forever changed.
Leggings – Albion Fit